I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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