I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
