I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
