I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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