Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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