Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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