I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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