I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
