I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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