I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize