Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
