sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
