I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
