my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize