you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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