you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
