If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're a waste of cheezeits
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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