I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
