All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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