It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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