I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
