my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
