You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize