I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
