I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
