So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
