The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
