worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
