Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
