I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
