can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Semen is not good for contacts.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
