youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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