The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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