I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
