and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
