Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
