The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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