we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Drunk is not a location!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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