You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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