i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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