I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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