i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
