Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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