Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sorry my hands just texted you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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