The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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