Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
