i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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