Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
