I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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