i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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