What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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