I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
