I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
