the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
